Host | 0:09  
Hey guys, welcome to the first episode of talkology, where we share our journey and issues we faced and turn them into a raw, honest conversations. My name is Kah Ee and I'm your host for today. So in this episode, we're going to talk about something that not many Malaysians have talked about, which is body image and eating disorders, because I think it's a very, very important topic that it should be touched on, especially in this modern society. So to discuss that, I have a guest with me today to share her journey and story experience of her side. Her name is Izabelle. Izabelle, would you like to say hi to the audience?

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Guest | 0:48  
Hi, my name is Isabelle Janica Lau Yan Ling. I am 21 and currently pursuing my degree of mass communication with the International College Subang.

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Host | 0:55  
Thank you so much for being here, Izabelle. So how are you today?

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Guest | 0:59  
I'm good. Thank you for asking.

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Host | 1:01  
So personally, right? I struggled with eating disorder back then when I was in diploma. So that was in like, long ago. What about you, Izabelle?

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Guest | 1:09  
I did have problems during my younger days. Because ever since I was a kid, I was known to be a bit chubbier than most of my classmates. So people have always been pointing out my weight and my appearance constantly. So this is why it causing me to questions my worth and abilities on how people treat me. That's why I was so self conscious and insecure during most of my schooling years.

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Host | 1:37  
Would you like to share with us about your backstory a bit? Like how did this all happen?

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Guest | 1:45  
The teacher will say something like, everyone in this class seems fine, except for Izabelle because she's slightly heavier. Then there was also another time where it's a different teacher, this one is in a different situation. So he was driving us home one day. So I said around the end of the bus, and as he was driving, he told us, he felt something heavy behind him, making him hard to drive. 

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Host | 2:10  
Oh, my God. Really?

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Guest | 2:11  
Yea, so he asked the other students in the bus who are seated at the end roll. And of course, the others just looked at me because well, I was the one who's behind. So 10 years old me back then really wanted to hide because of that. And that's how I started to think more of my weight. And from there, I develop bad eating patterns.

 

Host | 2:36  
Oh, my God, you were like, 10. Right? 

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Guest | 2:38  
Yeah. 

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Host | 2:39  
Well, I can't believe your teacher said that.

 

Guest | 2:43  
They, like they don't think twice before speaking, you know, because they thought like, Oh, they're, they're the teacher, they are older. So they're always right. You know, they never thought of this type of words can actually be ingrained in someone's mind, especially like, a 10 years old. So I thought about this for a very long time. And it was still very vivid in my mind until now, actually, of how they always talk about my weight. Yeah, because ever since then,  my only problem was oh because I was chubby, right? So that's my only concern that I have, then that's why people treat me this way. And that's the only thing that they can see about me. So I do not want them to see me just because I'm chubby. So that's why I have always thought of trying to shift their attention, that I'm not just like a chubby kid, you know?

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Host | 3:45  
I understand. At that moment, right? When your teacher was talking about you, how did you deal with it? Did you like stay quiet or tell him off or something like that?

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Guest | 3:54  
So I choose to stay quiet. I even tried to like shift to another area just to hope that I hope he doesn't feel the heavy, heaviness somewhere anymore, just to try to shift to other places. So I care more about other people's feelings than myself.

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Host | 4:14  
So how long has this sort of verbal abuse has been going for?

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Guest | 4:21  
It has been going on ever since I was eight years old. Because from there I started going to that classes. It was a dance class, by the way. Yeah, so everyone was you know, more on the petite side, and I'm the chubby kid. 

 

Host | 4:42  
like when was the last time you discover you had an eating disorder?

 

Guest | 4:45  
I did not realise it was an eating disorder until I was like 19. Because people around me tend to encourage me to continue on finding ways to lose weight. So I only knew it when my friends told me about it, or that, oh, this, this type of habit is a bit too extreme. At times, I will not eat rice or meat, I will just eat leafy vegetables. And at times I will just eat one meal a day and just go to sleep for the rest of the day.

 

Host | 5:17  
You know the app fitness pal? Oh my god.

That app right should be banned. I would take out broccoli, cut broccoli into pieces. And I would count how many calories in one piece of broccoli.

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Guest | 5:32  
Like unconsciously it will make it will kind of tell you to do that in a way.

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Host | 5:37  
Yes. Did it happen to you?

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Guest | 5:40  
I did not do like very calculating. But I followed the Kpop diets. So I eat what the you know, the Kpop idols eats, because  I was really into Kpop back then. Now also a bit. But last time was a big thing. Right? And so I will just eat like a banana in the morning. And then before I sleep, it's just an egg. That's it.

Wait, really? Just a day? like that whole meal for the day?

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Host | 6:11  
Did you successfully achieved the weight that you desired?

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Guest | 6:16  
No, I did not get to achieve the way that I actually wanted. But I did lose weight from time to time. But I also gained weight fast, because it's very unhealthy to lose the weight that way because the speed is just too great, you know? Yeah. So my weight constantly changing.

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Host | 6:37  
So when your weight is constantly fluctuating, right? How did you felt?

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Guest | 6:43  
I actually feel very proud at that time because finally people are also acknowledging you know, and people can see the difference. So I wanted to continue this type of lifestyle. But I guess it took like a downfall for me, because I suddenly had a call from like the nurses saying that oh you have severe anaemia already, I have to go to the hospital and get a whole blood checkup again.

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Host | 7:14  
Did you confront it to the doctors or the nurses when they suspect your blood tests. 

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Guest | 7:22  
I do not tell them about the bad diet. But they just I think they kind of know by the looks of it. They did not confront me saying that, Oh, you you eat like this or that. But they did tell me please eat more of the meat and proper nutritions to gain the blood back.

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Host | 7:46  
How long? How long has this been going for? the eating disorder thing.

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Guest | 7:52  
Most of my youth actually, it happened during my primary school years until I graduated my secondary school. 

 

Host | 8:02  
Did your parents know?

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Guest | 8:04  
From the food restriction they know. But the thing is  they do not think it was a disorder. My family even bought like different types of laxatives for me and encouraged me if I skip a meal or if I only had veggies without rice because to them I was trying to control my eating and trying to be healthy. So that was their thought.

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Host | 8:30  
But you were so young, you were like, like teenager. oh my god, laxative?

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Guest | 8:37  
Until now, from time to time they still bored but like I did not take it anymore.

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Host | 8:41  
What made you go like, I don't want to do this anymore. What did you realise?

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Guest | 8:50  
I still kept going even though I knew I had the anaemia already. And I only stopped pushing myself further when I met people who I know now who told me that this is not the right way. And it will only do more harm for me than good. And because I was surrounded with this better company, I felt more loved towards myself because they don't point out about my appearance or my weight anymore. They actually like improve myself as well in a good way. So that's how I kind of realised that I am not just about my appearance. So after I graduated from secondary school, I get to spend more time with myself and I travelled more and even work on part time jobs. So from there I get to distance myself from people and also toxic ideas. And I was able to learn more about myself.

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Host | 9:52  
At the end of the day, right? Life is really about enjoying the like food or you know, lifestyle with desire and whatnot.

 

Guest | 10:01  
Yeah, what you're saying is very true. We should just enjoy the present. And we try to practice like being in the moment rather than focusing on worrying about the past and the future.

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Host | 10:12  
I agree. I agree. So, um, that's a wrap. Thank you so much, Izabelle. 

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Guest | 10:17  
Thank you so much. 

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Host | 10:19  
And thank you to those who tuned into Talkology. Hope you enjoy it. Stay safe, stay awesome, and I'll see you next time. Bye~